drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Randomize
