At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
