hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
