she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
