I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize