He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
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