It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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