apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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