I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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