he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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