I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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