So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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