i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
