In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
They took my balls.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
