I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
