Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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