I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
