Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
