If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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