Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
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