stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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