I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
