tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Actions speak louder than pants.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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