Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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