i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
