If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Let's get the cat blown out
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
