walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
