I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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