Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
