im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
