So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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