sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
