Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
