the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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