Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
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