How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
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