I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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