I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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