How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
