Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
