she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
sex in a hospital.. check
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
