Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
