Fine. I'll sleep in my office
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
