i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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