Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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