I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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