in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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