if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
