i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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