Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
