I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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