I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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