I look better un-naked...
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
