If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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