remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
