It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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