im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
