You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
